[Maybe I shouldn’t write blog posts when I’m this angry but why not?]
It’s very interesting how people’s assumptions can really fuck with other people’s plans. When they start justifying their gross oversights with “I assumed you knew.” I shout, “I’m not a bloody mind reader.”
I’m trying to get at the meta aspects here without going into too many specifics so bear with me while I work it through.
Should a person have to check in with someone they are depending on just to make sure they haven’t changed their mind about a situation? How often should this be done? Daily, weekly? Should a comprehensive questionnaire be developed?
When someone complains bitterly, repeatedly about a situation they have huge reservations about, should one check with them, again daily or weekly, just to make sure they aren’t doing a complete about face on the matter?
If one changes one’s mind about something should the person they tell be a completely uninvolved third party who then happens to mention it casually in conversation to the directly involved second party who had no idea this was going on and has been going on for 2 months?
WTF is wrong with some people?
OK that’s maybe a little incoherent.
It’s a bit like this.
Suppose you have a business arrangement with someone for 5 years. They’re even like a business partner. You have been told that it is to extend for at least the next few years. You know they have another situation they are eventually going to move into after those few years and they say that they’ll let you know 6 months in advance so you can arrange to make changes. They are very well aware that you are depending on their contribution to the current endeavor.
Suppose they then change their mind suddenly. They don’t bother to tell you. You find out through some random mutual acquaintance who they’ve discussed the matter with thoroughly over all that time. You’ve had frequent contact with them during that whole time by email, phone and in person but again they didn’t mention it. (You even went back and reread all their emails to make sure) You find out now you have less than 2 months to make your new arrangements.
When you confront them they say, “I assumed you knew.” along with a lot of other weaseling around like it’s your fault that you didn’t check them frequently enough or can’t read their mind.
It would be sort of like if your spouse came home and declared they’d just bought a new house for you to live in without telling you and then saying “Well you did mention one time you wanted to move.” or if your boss at work had promised you the next permanent full time vacancy then not only gave it to someone else but demoted you to part-time and said, “Well I did tell you things would changes around here”. That’s actually the scale of it because it changes everything.
That kind of sums it up. But it’s more than business since there’s friendships involved also.
I am incredibly pissed off. This doesn’t just affect me but at least 4 other people in the short term and I don’t know how many more in the longer term. A situation of some heavy interdependence.
Now this person also expects that if the alternate situation doesn’t work out they can walk back into the current situation. That was the original arrangement which was fine before all this.
I don’t want to invest trust in this person again. There have been minor cases of weaseling in the past—that is not telling me something, small and not urgent stuff, that should have really been dealt with at the time and only coming to light when I discovered it myself, but nothing of this scale. Fucking habitual behavior hey?!!
And you know what? This person is really pissed off at me. There’s this whole tidal wave of passive aggressive bullshit coming my way right now. Why? They are assuming I don’t want them to go into their alternative situation. They’re mad at this third party for talking. They’re mad that I’m mad at them.
I don’t fucking care about this other situation. That’s not the issue. I even support this other situation and always have. But I don’t support the fact that people are getting fucked over like this, myself included. I don’t like the fact that I had to hear this from somebody else who isn’t even involved. I don’t like it that I’m going to have to be the one who has to try to explain this to 4 other people and it’s going to be really emotionally unpleasant for one of them. The results will actually break their heart. I know that without doubt. And there isn’t enough time for me to do what would need to be done to avoid that, because if there were I would do it.
It is really tempting for me to just say, “Why wait 2 months? Let’s end this right now.” and dump all this back in their lap. That’s the knee-jerk response. But there would be ramifications for innocents in that which I wouldn’t want on my conscience. I am talking specifically about a child’s welfare which I absolutely will not disrupt no matter what.
OK. Went for a walk. Ate a chicken salad sandwich. Talked on the phone to someone I miss (but not about this).
Equilibrium emerges. That all took about 3 hours.
Now the process of shuffling life around can begin.
Reworked and revised several times.
So that’s the way it’s going to go for the next year.