I Am Now Officially Ordained…

…at the Universal Life Church. Official date of ordination 09/11/11. Hallelujah…

I’ll make you a believer…

I just have to come up with $49.99 for my monastery credential package which includes:

  • 11 certificates (Wedding, Renewal of Marriage, Affirmation of Love, House Blessing, Baptism and Commitment) *contains multiple
  • 1 Minister Window decal
  • 1 Press Pass [That could come in handy]
  • 1 ULC Parking Hanger
  • 1 Hard copy of your official Ordination Credential
  • 1 Wallet ID card
  • Your choice of Clergy Badge, and sample services.

….a $75 dollar value. That’s a good deal hmmm.

I decided to add a religious title to the mix for a few bucks more. I will now be called Emissary…just like Cisko in StarTrek DS9.  I thought to go for “Princess” or “Revelator” but the first is perhaps a little frivolous and the second a little too heavy, unless I want to restrict myself to Depeche Mode songs for services. Which may not be too bad at all.

 

I’m not joking. I can marry y’all now. [At least in some jurisdictions. Others would require a registration with local authorities.]

Here’s a replica something like the certificate.

We are all children of the same universe…seems to be the motto. Can’t argue with that.

There are only two tenets of the ULC: to promote freedom of religion and to do that which is right and within the law.

I can generally abide by that-at least as much as any of my fellow ministers.

Speaking of which,  I am in good company in this particular church.

Some of my fellow ordinees include:

  • Glenn Beck
  • Richard Branson
  • Kathy Griffin
  • Mae West
  • Goldie Hawn
  • John Waters
  • Alanis Morisette
  • Barbra Streisand
  • Hunter S. Thompson
  • Hugh Hefner
  • Abbie Hoffman
  • John Lennon
  • Courtney Love

So can you imagine the kind of services that could be held with these folks. I also think that Joey, on Friends, got this Internet minister credential so he could marry Monica and Chandler. There you go. Totally official.

Got nothing to do on a Saturday night? You too can join this illustrious crew. Just click the link above and fill out the form. It’s free. Takes about 45 seconds. The only thing that costs is the paperwork, if you even want to get it. And it’s pretty cheap.

Now I just need to set up a non-profit religious foundation and I’m ready to go!

I am available for private parties if you can afford it. Gotta get building the flock.

 

Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there

Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
Ill make you a believer

Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess
I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver

Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Your own personal jesus…

Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
Ill make you a believer
I will deliver

You know I’m a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal jesus
Reach out and touch faith

5 comments on “I Am Now Officially Ordained…

  1. A congregation that includes Hugh Hefner and Glenn Beck. Now that’s something.

    I hope you get a chance to officiate a wedding. It has been one of my favorite activities for years. I only get to do one or two a year, and they are highlights.

  2. Wow! I’m truly enticed! I fear the next time I get drunk I will get ordained ( it’ll be something like getting married on a bender) adding a new dimension to my hypocrisy. Thanks a lot :)

  3. My Grampa was ordained, so you are indeed in illustrious company. ^_^ He always was pleased about it – never got his chance to do a wedding, though.

    And oh my gosh, thanks. ;p Personal Jesus is now well and truly an earworm for me this evening. o.0

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