Just paid a whole pile of bills. But there’s one left for my parent’s cell phone. It could be paid right now even though it isn’t due for a while. And I was going to put it off. (hence a blog post!)
It is not that there isn’t time to do it. I have plenty of time right now.
Not for any reason of financial benefit. I won’t make any interest on those few dollars in my checking account. I don’t need the money for anything else at the moment, yet there was hesitation.
Logical mind says, “Pay the thing and move on.”
Procrastination says, “It can be done later.”
So whenever I run into these internal conflicts there’s always more going on than what may appear.
If I finish my pile of bills then it’s done. There is no more holding my attention in that particular stream-the financial.
I’ll be free to deal with something else. Something has ended, even something small. Something that is linked to some aspect of how I view myself. In this case “bill paying person” with all the attachments that comes with. Accounts with my name on, letters in the mail, plastic cards in my wallet. Things which identify me and give me some place in the capitalist continuum.
If I finish this task and let it go will I still belong in that continuum at that moment? What if I let go of all those threads? What happens to me?
It’s like that with a lot of things. There are about 30 blog posts in the queue right now that could be finished with a little effort. Some have excuses attached but most don’t. There is also the option of deleting them all completely along with the whole stream of “blog writer” as a piece of identity. Some people do that, or quit their jobs or leave their marriages.
Maybe that piece of identity no longer fits. Maybe it has been superceded by some other piece. Or maybe it has been seen as a rather hollow construct.
Ending things is never easy. We consider all the time and effort invested. We try to save it for the future.
Putting off endings is an expression of the wish to continue things as they are, or could be, or should be. It is a confusing tangle of what has been and what is to come. But not much about what is at present.
So I’ll pay that bill because there are a whole lot of other things to be done. Finish this blog post (blog-writing person), have a shower (clean person), fold the laundry and put it away (tidy person), get something to eat (hungry person), watch a little TV (to be entertained person), sit a bit (meditating person), read a book (intellectual person).
The “persons” never stop in terms of relative identity constructs so why worry about hanging on to any one of them.