Two Sides of Dukkha:A Dialogue with Desire

Now this, monks, is the noble truth of stress [dukkha]: Birth is stressful, aging is stressful, death is stressful; sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, & despair are stressful; association with the unbeloved is stressful, separation from the loved is stressful, not getting what is wanted is stressful.   Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta: Setting the Wheel of Dhamma in Motion

1.  Desire

In popular culture the Star Trek series has been very successful. That program introduced some characters whose principle motivation is greed. These Firengi have an elaborate code called the Rules of Acquisition. And these fictional beings provide an interesting case study in extreme desire as well as a framework by which desire can be broken down in stages and examined. From Wikipedia:

In addition to the Rules, Ferengi recognize five Stages of Acquisition:

1. Infatuation — “I want it.”
2. Justification — “I must have it!”
3. Appropriation — “IT’S MINE AT LAST!”
4. Obsession — “Precious!“
5. Resale — “Make me an offer.”

The five Stages of Acquisition may be based on the five stages of grief.

Using this framework in the Buddhist context we can examine desire in more detail.

1. Infatuation

Infatuation is the dream. It is the fantasy that ignites desire. And it is the hook that propels consumerism. In the Tibetan tradition this is akin to Shenpa. Pema Chodron has give a number of talks and articles on this element of desire and overcoming it. Simply put it is more than attachment even though that is the general translation of it.  Pema Chodron likens it to an itch caused by something unhealthy. And unattended it tends to grow worse.

As a bit of a cultural tangent, it is akin to “jonesing”. The slang term “jones” may have originally come from heroin users in the 1960’s according to Wiktionary. And the Urban Dictionary gives dozens of further slang words related to this sense of craving. There is even a Generation Jones, that is those born between 1954 and 1965, who were not actual post-war Baby Boomers but an in-between generation, that is characterized by:

Jonesers were given huge expectations as children in the 1960s, and then confronted with a different reality as they came of age in the 1970s, leaving them with a certain unrequited, jonesing quality.

In the sociological realm my speculation is that the popularity of Punk Rock and much of the anger that fueled it came from this lack of fulfillment of expectations both in England and in North America. And this lack of fulfillment also helped lead to the mindset that ushered in the escapism and excess of the 1980’s as an exaggerated over-compensation.

The infatuation stage involves a lot of talk in an effort to give concreteness to the dreaminess. There is little practicality or logic to this talk. It is an effort to cast around to build an imaginary castle from air on foundations of clouds. It says:

• that’s what I want
• that’s a great thing
• that’s something I can get
• that has a lot of meaning for me
• I connect with that
• that would be satisfying

In the Sammaditthi Sutta: Right View it is said:

There are these six cravings: craving for forms, craving for sounds, craving for smells, craving for tastes, craving for tactile sensations, craving for ideas. This is called craving.

The way to overcome it would be to recognize it as soon as it arises.  But most of us  only recognize a discomfort of not having relief from desire or craving. So the desire feeling moves on to something that gives credence to moving deeper into it.

2. Justification

This is a useful fiction in helping to assuage guilt and common sense and keep reality at bay when infatuation has taken hold. We know we shouldn’t do something or buy something or go to a certain place or meet a certain person but we do it anyways.

The dialogue begins vaguely and becomes more focused.  The dream is validated with the word “because”.  I want that because:

• it would make things better
• it would change everything for me
• it would give me something I am lacking
• my life would be perfect with that
• I could do a lot more in my life with that
• people would notice me if I had that
• people would respect me if I had that
• people would envy me if I had that
• people would want to be ME if I had that

It is an increasing abandonment of one’s own discomfort and an increasing reliance upon validation by imagined externals.  And it is an attempt to remake reality into one of one’s own choosing in which reality becomes a massive projection of ME.  There are so many thinking errors involved in this kind of justification from “magical thinking” to “attributive errors” . Psychologically it is an extreme state of cognitive dissonance. That means what’s happening in one’s head is not the same as what’s happening in reality.  One is constructing a false reality and a false ME based on false premises. It is the nature of illusion.

We make a list of reasons or excuses to justify our behavior.  With excuses in hand we move on from the mental fomentations to the actual outer activity of acquiring that special something that will change our lives

3. Appropriation

Because desire or craving is initially based on the fantasy that life will somehow be better if we obtain that special something or rid ourselves of that unspecial something, obtaining that desired situation becomes all important.

When the justification reaches a tipping point the activity expands from thinking and imagining towards the actual object or situation itself. Up until now the activity has involved creating an imaginary object and fetishizing it to the point where the desire amplifies enough to involve the actual object.

Sometimes one can come to some realizations at this point since translating fantasy into an actual situation comes with a number of roadblocks. And they can be pretty harsh. Rejection, lack of money, lack of availability or interference by others can all derail craving. If one can manage to see the situation as it is at this point in the best circumstances one can even feel relief.

But more often one experiences a sense of frustration. And the lower one’s tolerance for frustration and the higher one’s level of craving  the more willing one is to go to extreme lengths to obtain satisfaction.

Rent payment is delayed, time spent with one’s children or truly necessary items are foregone in order to “make things right”. Responsibilities are ignored, concern for others involved is deemed irrelevant and the pursuit becomes paramount.  In the realm of the most extreme, behavior can become psychopathic with no regard to means, collateral damage or anything but the objective. This is the realm of the stalker, habitual thief, Ponzi scheme frauds and serial killer. This is also the realm of ambition.

The dialogue becomes more practical but in a distorted fashion:

• it will be mine
• obstacles are opportunities
• try try again
• quitters never win and winners never quit
• I will destroy all obstacles
• I am the champion
• nothing can stand in my way

While a certain amount of motivation is required to provide for life’s necessities when motivation is primarily directed towards acquisition for purposes other than actual needs there is a disconnect between reality and what we imagine reality to be.

4. Obsession

Once the activity of acquisition has been accomplished there is the usually very brief honeymoon period. The use of the object or interaction with the desired situation becomes very frequent. This point is generally the “high” that accompanies relief from desire.There is a great deal of self-congratulations and one attempts to see the “goodness” of the object as a reflection of the “goodness” of the ego.  There is a lot of mental effort put forth to “prove” all the initial suppositions correct.

Self-talk is exaggerated and fanciful:

• now I am set
• now with this situation I am whole
• this suits me perfectly
• now I can be happy

All of this effort of acquisition is accompanied by even more mental effort to sustain both the rationale behind the acquisition and the validation of the self within as well as with external sources. One shows off their situation to all and sundry. Everything from wearing the new item of jewelry constantly to having divorce parties are meant to demonstrate the validity of the new status that has apparently been obtained.

5. Resale or abandonment

Perhaps this section could also be called disillusionment or reality starts to set in. It too is accompanied by a lot of rationalizations and talk that generally contradicts everything that came before.

• that color really didn’t suit me
• I wasn’t really that into the relationship anyway
• this isn’t quite good enough
• my image has changed since then
• it just doesn’t quite express who I am
• I think there is something better than this out there (and the cycle starts again)

In terms of time this stage is actually a pivot point on which the fantasy turns. All desire is future oriented. This final stage is the only one that relates to the actual present. If one were able to identify dis-illusionment they might meet reality where it is. Dis-illusionment can be one of the most useful states to encounter in life for there is a momentary space, a pause in the flow of internal fantasy. And there are a number of choices that can be made at that point.

One can continue the cycle and acquire something else, wallow in self pity, accept the reality of the moment, fall into depression over the unsatisfactoriness of unfulfilled wishes, try to escape from the moment, rage against the “unfairness” of life…all kinds of reactions are possible. The choice, if one were to view the situation objectively, though that is difficult, comes down to what is healthy and what is unhealthy.  It requires some amount of self-compassion. And an ability to self-reflect honestly. Both of these can be developed.

If your best friend came to you full of disillusion and disappointment what would you tell them? Some soothing words no doubt at first and then perhaps advise them on a different, more healthy course of action. Treat yourself the same way.

One of the many interesting parts of the Pali Canon is Therigatha Verses of the Elder Nuns which contains poems from nuns on their struggles, suffering and release from suffering.  In an interesting piece Susan Elbaum Jootla has collected a number of these verses and given a commentary on them. From her article Inspiration from Enlightened Nuns found on Access to Insight:

Even if the rain-god rained all seven kinds
Of gems, until earth and heaven were full,
Still senses would crave and men die unsatiated.

This article will be continued with a view of the other side of desire and that is loss and grief. It is here:

Two Sides of Dukkha:A Dialogue with Grief